Judgement from others who don't understand

Photo: Pawel Owsinski, CC0 1.0. No edits by me.

Hello all. This is something I've wanted to write about, because I think judgement can follow people long after they have started trying to change.

When somebody hears the word addiction, they can think they know the person already. They know what to expect, what sort of life they've had, how much effort they're making. I don't think it is that simple. I'm a person in recovery, and my life is bigger than that one part of it.

From the outside, people can ask why somebody doesn't just stop. It can sound like a sensible question if you haven't experienced addiction. I understand why people ask it. But wanting something to change and being able to change it without help are different things.

I've written honestly about my own recovery because I want people to understand a bit more. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, and I don't expect sympathy for everything I've done. What I hope for is a willingness to listen before deciding that somebody is beyond help.

I believe in taking responsibility. Recovery has meant being more honest, including about things I'd rather not face. It has meant accepting that other people have their own feelings about what happened. I can't decide when somebody should trust me, or tell them their hurt has lasted long enough.

That matters for families as well. A partner, friend or parent can love somebody and still need distance, support or firm boundaries. They shouldn't have to put themselves in harm's way to prove they care. Asking for less judgement doesn't mean asking them to ignore their own needs.

What worries me is when hurt turns into the idea that a person can never be anything else. That no effort counts. That every good day is an act. That their past tells us everything we need to know about their future. I want to leave room for people to show change over time.

There is research behind taking stigma seriously. Negative attitudes about addiction can make people less willing to disclose a problem or seek treatment. That gives us another reason to think about the way we speak. Someone may already be finding it difficult to ask for help.

I would rather somebody asked an honest question than made a cruel assumption. You don't need to know all the right words. You can say you don't understand, and then listen. You can recognise harm and still speak to the person with respect.

And if you're the one being judged, I don't think you have to spend every day trying to convince everyone. People may need time. Some may never understand. I would put my effort into the support that helps me move forward, and into the actions I can keep taking, rather than trying to win every argument.

That doesn't make other people's opinions painless. It just reminds me there are things I can work on, and things I can't control. Today I can be honest. I can ask for help. I can keep learning. I can try to be somebody people can rely on.

It's one reason I built two recovery guides. Quiet Strength Recovery is for the person working on their recovery. Quiet Sisters Recovery is for adult partners, friends and family, because they need support and space for themselves too.

I'm grateful to the people who helped me freely and gave me room to change. I want to pass some of that on. Before we decide we know somebody's whole story, I hope we can give them a chance to tell us a little of it.

Thank you for reading. Chris

These are my reflections from recovery. Understanding addiction and protecting your own wellbeing can both matter.

Further reading: NIAAA: Stigma as a barrier to care.

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